Track 4 - Promise

CW: Suicidal ideation

By the time we came down from the tower, the sky was dyed orange.

As we walked together, our shadows grew longer, lining up against the side of the road.

Reluctant to part ways, my pace slowed down.

“I...wanted to spend more time with you.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Apparently, someone from Renga’s house was coming to pick him up near the station.

We were walking down a back alley, but soon we would reach the main road.

That’s when we’d have to say goodbye.

“We’ll definitely go out together again! Next time...I know, let’s go on the Ferris wheel we saw from the tower!”

I remembered the big Ferris wheel I saw from the observation deck today.

“I’ve heard that the Ferris wheel has see-through gondolas. Cool, right?”

“See-through? So when you get to the top there’s nothing below you? ...That seems kinda scary.”

The view I saw today was beautiful, but when I thought about being so high up with nothing around me...I was scared I’d fall headfirst to the ground.

Renga laughed and said, “Then let’s ride it when you’re not scared anymore.”

It was a promise.

“It’s about time...I gotta go.”

Before I knew it, we’d reached the end of the alley, and I could see the bustling main street in front of me.

Unable to leave the dimly lit road, I couldn’t help but look down.

But I also really wanted to thank Renga properly before he left.

“Um...thank you. Today...was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. I’ll definitely, um, repay you. The observation deck, the soft-serve ice cream...and the medal, all of it made me so happy, so...”

I wonder what I can say to express my feelings.

The time I spent with Renga today had been like a dream. I felt content, and my heart hadn’t stopped pounding the whole time.

The sight I saw for the first time, the flavor I tasted for the first time, the souvenir I held for the first time, and the first friend I was able to exchange it with...

To me, everything was so special, so important, so happy...no words of gratitude could ever be enough.

Having nothing left to say, I raised my face and stared intently into his eyes.

The eyes that I loved the most were looking back at me silently.

I wanted to tell him how I felt, so I gathered my feelings and spoke from my heart. “Um...I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay you for everything you’ve given me, but...if it’s for you, I’ll do anything!”

If there’s anything Ren the trash collector can do.

I’d do anything. I truly believed that from the bottom of my heart.

I would do anything. Because what Renga gave me today was something more significant than anything I’d ever receive in my lifetime――.

Because who in this world would look at Ren, a trash collector living on the side of the road?

I don’t even know my parents.

When I was little, I was able to survive because of the kindness of others, but by the time I was five, I knew I’d have to find a way to live on my own.

No one felt bad for me, because there were plenty of others in the same boat.

I was told that with so many children dying on the streets, I should count my blessings that I was born with a healthy body.

But as I watched the countless adults milling about on the streets, I wondered if it would be better to die quickly instead of living a meaningless life.

Because no matter how my life plays out, I know that’s my final destination.

Even though life is so full of suffering, so lonely, so painful... and so unrewarding, I still have to live?

But I’ve stopped thinking that way since I met Renga.

No matter how miserable my future may be, maybe tomorrow I can see him.

Maybe the day after tomorrow, I’ll be able to talk to him.

Maybe the day after that, he'll see me and smile.

When I thought about it like that, I felt I had a reason to live.

And today, I’ve gained another reason.

Maybe someday, I’ll be able to go out and make more memories with him again.

I think for that reason, I’ll always have the will to live.

At that moment, Renga whispered quietly, “...Ren. Ren you’ve…always been like that.”

What did he mean?

I tilted my head in confusion, and he smiled wryly.

“...Okay then. Maybe one day I’ll have a favor to ask. Will you hear me out when that time comes?”

“Yeah! Leave it to me!”

I answer in full spirit. No matter what Renga asks of me, I’ll do it.

Even if I have to risk my life.

Maybe my life only exists for his sake.

The thought suddenly rose up out of the corner of my mind.

There’s no logic to it, but I could feel that deep down, it was true.

The orange light of the sunset was reflected in his beautiful eyes.

I wondered what he was thinking as he gazed at me in silence, until he muttered, “Hey Ren, do you believe in fate?”

That had come out of nowhere.

I blinked rapidly.

“Fa…te…? I dunno. I’ve never thought about it.”

As I answered, I wondered if my earlier thought of my life being for his sake was something like fate.

At that moment, Renga seemed to be looking at me, but at the same time, he wasn’t.

He had a strange look in his eyes as if he was looking far past me, at somewhere far away.

He said to me quietly, “As for me, I believe in it, and I know what it is.”

―― Ren is my fate.

Renga called me his “fate” as if he was telling me a precious secret.

Before we knew it, an elusive, blue darkness had crept under our feet.

Night would soon fall on the city.

“A long time ago, in another world somewhere...we were together. We stuck to each other like glue.”

Renga’s voice echoed in my ears as if he was telling me a secret.

“...it was like, the two of us were two halves of the same being.”

For some reason, my emotions were stirred.

...The two of us as one?

Me and Renga?

I wondered if he was teasing me again.

But at the same time, I thought…

How wonderful would it be if he and I were the same being?

If something like that happened in the past like he said, I’m sure I would have been really happy.

I was laughing, but Renga stayed silent.

He slowly grabbed my fingers and whispered, “Hey Ren. Just once, do you wanna try switching places?”

The orange hue of the sky had disappeared.

Night was about to engulf us.

It was as if the promise we made together was being hidden in the darkness…

“...I guess it’s impossible to always be by each other’s side now.”

My whisper sinks into the gloomy alleyway.

The medal I was looking at reflected the midday sun, brilliant and dazzling.

Now that I’m 23, I find I’m a little jealous of my 11-year-old self.

Because it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to meet “Renga”――Kiba.

But despite that, I’ve never ever once forgotten Kiba’s existence.

Even now, I still believe my life exists for Kiba’s sake.

That’s why I’ve been living as Nishizono Renga.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have questions.

――Why did you switch with me for so long?

For what reason? For who?

Has the way I’ve lived been useful to you?

The cold metal fits perfectly in my hand, and it warms up as I hold it.

When I was little, I always thought about Kiba to make it through the day.

That hasn’t changed. The memories that Kiba gave me, the piece of brick that held our secrets, the medals that we traded. All of it gives me courage.

Because within all of that is where I found meaning in my life.

“Right now... I’m pretty happy. Happier than I was before.”

I know Kiba can’t hear me, but I still say it softly, wanting him to know.

“Kiba...are you happy?”

――Please be happy.

Please be happy, “Renga”...

With this wish in my heart, I looked up at the sky, at the thin, narrow blue sky I used to gaze at while lying down with Kiba when I was little.

Just a tiny sliver between the gaps in the buildings.

Small, like a soft-serve ice cream that’s gone in a moment.

The Ren who lived on the streets was only allowed to see just this tiny piece of blue sky.

In the long time since we’d switched places, I’d come to know a world under a much more vast, wider blue sky. I couldn’t help but wonder if I should hurry and give back the happiness I’d found there...

It made me a bit uneasy.